What To Do If Trapped In A Lift With A Dentist Read online

EMPIRIC DILEMMA

  Sometimes the corner of my eye deceives me into seeing things

  that are not there, do not exist. What is this falseness my eye brings?

  If we can't trust the evidence of our own eyes then where are we?

  Do we believe in anything in this world that we think we see?

  Some people think that they've seen ghosts or aliens and UFOs;

  some people think they've talked to god who tells them how to solve their woes.

  Are any of us really here or are we figments in a dream?

  Descartes thought he really was but are things as they really seem?

  Can we be sure of anything? Is life just one big massive lie

  that we don't get an answer to at any time, and then we die?

  JUST CHANGE YOURSELF

  It's not going to happen

  You want to save the world

  nice idea but you'll still fail

  You can never change anything

  except yourself just change yourself

  The world is too big and complex

  everything runs on chaos theory

  No one can predict the outcome

  of their actions we can never

  kill the planet only ourselves

  We are not that important

  and the universe doesn't know we're here

  mother earth is as anthropomorphic

  as the big guy sitting on a cloud

  We must all wake up and accept

  that we're nothing more than random chemical events

  In humanity there is no divinity

  just a lot of stupidity

  and that's what calls the shots

  cos the guys who run the world

  all want the fools gold

  which they covet so much

  that they stamp on us all to get to it

  but we'll have the last laugh because

  None of them rule the world

  we are not the world

  we only move in our own tiny circles

  and it's time to adjust our view

  It's not going to happen

  We can't change the world

  only ourselves

  so let's do it and make the world

  a better place for all by removing the stupidity

  and false values that blind our minds

  If all the people in the world

  starting thinking for just five minutes

  each day then we will have

  markedly improved our lot

  and someone like Bush can never rise again

  Just change yourself

  Repeat as necessary

  JUST LOOK UP

  Sometimes at night I look up to the sky

  the infinity of stars makes me want to cry

  not from unhappiness but out of sheer awe

  at the sense of infinity the sky is big, for sure.

  Some of those distant lights are bigger than our Earth

  yet still people think there's something special in their birth

  that they are so important when they are patently not

  cos even our whole planet is a dot upon a dot

  An infinity of space-time should give us pause for thought

  and make us quick to question the huge arrogance we're taught

  so look up at the night sky and just take in the view

  there's nothing special about me and nothing special about you

  But that's not a cause for heartache cos we're here and it is now

  so let's crack on with living

  before we take our final bow

  WHAT TO DO IF TRAPPED IN A LIFT WITH A DENTIST

  If you have brought your own wolf with you then obviously all is well.

  If you have forgotten your wolf you will understandably start to panic.

  However, providing the dentist is in agreement, an adequate substitute

  is to whistle the chorus of 'Too Shy' by Kajagoogoo

  until the emergency services arrive.

  WHAT TO DO IF TRAPPED IN A LIFT WITH A DOCTOR

  The procedure for wolf replacement is similar to that outlined above

  but involves playing the theme to 'Test Match Special'

  with spoons and matchsticks.

  If you have forgotten to bring your spoons and matchsticks with you

  then a comb and paper will just about do, but be warned that whistling will have no effect.

  WHAT TO DO IF TRAPPED IN A KIOSK WITH A CABINET MINISTER

  If you have forgotten your tear gas then it is legally permissible

  after ten minutes has elapsed to release your wolf.

  Anyone foolish enough to enter an enclosed space with a cabinet minster

  without adequate wolf protection deserves everything they get.

  It is, however, advisable to ascertain their exact cabinet position.

  If you discover that they are only a junior minister

  then you must wait twenty minutes before releasing the wolf.

  WHAT TO DO IF TRAPPED IN A KIOSK WITH MICHAEL HESSLETINE

  Run like fuck.

  The wolf will be of no use.

  HOW DO THEY DO IT?

  How do they do it the murderers, the rapists and bully boys?

  Inflicting pain and violence treating people just like toys.

  I don't know how they sleep at night or what could motivate

  a human being to become such an incessant ball of hate.

  What do they think they've achieved? Is it something they enjoy?

  Does it fill their hearts with glee when they seek out and destroy?

  Do they think they're better than the people they abuse and kill

  and will they just go on and on never having had their fill?

  It mystifies me every day that somebody gets such a thrill

  from ruining and taking lives it must be such a special skill.

  The politicians aren't exempt I don't know how they sleep at all

  after each and every busy day of shoving us against the wall

  of intransigence, low intelligence, no recompense, on the fence.

  I've always wanted a quiet life and those I meet are much the same

  they seem to realise that life is merely an absurdist game

  that nothing is worth dying for and nobody's worth killing

  that we're all equal in this game nobody has top billing

  but still I see that I'm obliged to do no harm to others

  and not to bully or harass my sisters or my brothers

  so why can't everybody see that this is just the way to be?

  Why is there so much penury so many inflicting misery?

  How do they do it? Why do they do it?

  What are we going to do about it?

  WHITE COFFINS

  When I was twelve a friend of mine died. He was eleven and I went to his funeral.

  In the back row of the chapel I ogled the girls from his school

  and thought how nice they all were even though they were visibly distraught.

  The dreary, depressing music piped up and we all stood up.

  I became aware of movement behind me and four men came in

  carrying a wooden box.

  I'd never been to a funeral before and I'd never been two feet away from a coffin.

  As it passed slowly by my head a horrible thought leapt unbidden into my mind:

  "Oh shit! Mark's in there!" Then I thought "Hang on, no he isn't."

  Then I thought "If he's not in there, what is in the coffin?"

  I was suddenly stuck in a metaphysical paradox

  and as a man chanted the meaningless liturgies and platitudes

  my mind was racing in all directions at once.

  At the end of the pointless service of empty words and false comforts

  I realised that I'd cried enough to leave a large puddle on the stone floor

  and it struck me as odd that my face could contain that much liquid

  and also, absurdl
y, that perhaps I should offer to clear it up.

  Throughout the service I looked fixedly at the back of the pew in front - anywhere but the coffin.

  Why do they put kids in white coffins? It's a fucking horrible thing to do.

  I seems to say "This person never had a life".

  Small coffins are bad enough anyway but don't use white ones.

  Afterwards, all the adults were stuffing their faces with food and drink,

  and laughing and joking. I was really puzzled and angry.

  "Hang on," I wanted to shout, "we've just cremated an eleven year old boy,

  what the fuck are you doing?"

  Now I understand: they ate and drank to experience something

  to use their senses, to feel alive.

  They laughed and joked about trivial things

  because nobody wanted to talk about why we were gathered there and what had just happened

  because there were no words to speak.

  Now I understand - it's known as displacement.

  Twenty three years later I understand all too well.

  At the time I didn't, couldn't, didn't want to,delete as applicable.

  So I went outside and sat alone in the middle of a large field.

  It seemed like days, that half an hour, and it changed me forever.

  Never such innocence again.

  I looked up at the sky and shouted aloud

  "Okay, you bastard, explain this one."

  I closed my eyes and sarcastically awaited a reply. None arrived, of course:

  no answer to my anthropomorphic gesture of desperation

  because there are no gods, no angels, no heaven, no hell, no answer.

  The only things in the universe are physical matter and abstract concepts

  and you can't have the latter without the former because ideas only exist in the mind

  and a mind is only a metaphysical abstraction of a physical brain.

  Consciousness is electricity and chemicals and nothing else

  and so is the universe.

  Therefore I received no answer, but I never expected to

  so eventually I got up and rejoined the party

  In one sense, but never in the other.

  WHO BRED ALL THE REPUBLICANS?

  Who bred all the Republicans? Let's see if we can find out.

  Which pharmaceutical laboratory or government agency was responsible?

  They certainly can't have arisen by the process

  we've come to know as natural selection

  Cos they're all twisted and wrong

  and most definitely unnatural.

  They're very much the duck-billed-platypus of the political world;

  ugly