What To Do If Trapped In A Lift With A Dentist Read online

WHAT TO DO IF TRAPPED IN A LIFT WITH A DENTIST: A POETRY COLLECTION

  MARCUS FREESTONE

  COPYRIGHT MARCUS FREESTONE 2013

  ISBN 9781301249558

  FICTION

  The Least Resistance

  The Memory Man: T14 Book 1

  Random Target: T14 Book 2

  Just Murder: T14 Book 3

  Two Serial Killers, A Wedding And A Funeral: T14 Book 4

  Never Kidnap A Serial Killer: T14 Book 5

  Ethelbert's Sunday Morning (short stories)

  NON FICTION

  Positive Thinking and The Meaning of Life

  101 Ways To Happiness

  Tell Depression To #@%! Off

  The Psychology Of Happiness: Unraveling Self Help Nonsense By Understanding Your Brain

  Donald Trump and Brexit: Misguided Rebellion

  101 Completely Made Up Untrue Facts

  CONFESSION

  Hello, my name is Marcus and I'm a poet.

  Before you ask, yes, I do know it

  for how could one be a poet and not know what one was?

  It sounds like a confession I know:

  Hello my name is Marcus and I'm an alcoholic

  Hello my name is Marcus and I'm a drug addict.

  Hello my name is Marcus and I'm guilty of fraud, perjury,

  insider trading and perverting the course of justice.

  Oh no, that wasn't me, that was Jeffery Archer.

  Hello, I'm Marcus and this is a poem.

  I'm not quite sure where it's going

  I'm not quite sure where it's been

  or if it's ever been heard or seen.

  Does it exist as I write this line?

  Will I finish this poem in time?

  Will I accidentally commit a crime?

  If I did would it help the rhyme?

  What is this poem all about?

  Will I read it in a whisper or shout?

  In constructing the verse will I flout

  the acceptable forms of linguistic structure, rhythm and rhyming scheme?

  I still don't know what I'm writing about

  so therefore I can't do an about turn

  until I learn

  to discern

  between transitory, incoherent ideas that flit through my mind and those that are actually suitable for inclusion in poetry.

  Sorry.

  THINGS I WAS PROMISED BY 'TOMORROW'S WORLD' WHEN I WAS A CHILD AND HAVE SUBSEQUENTLY BEEN DISAPPOINTED BY THE ABSENCE OF

  Where are my x-ray specs?

  Where is my hovercraft?

  Where are my silver trousers?

  I know it may sound daft

  but I was promised these things

  when I was in school

  perhaps all those presenters

  were playing me for a fool

  I realise that making a spaceship

  is probably quite hard

  but I expected to have my own by now

  thanks to William Woolard

  All these things were promised

  to me and all of us

  but when I want to go somewhere

  I still have to take the bus

  I don't have a teleport bracelet

  I don't have a hover car

  I've never seen robot slaves

  or a titanium bra

  I don't have a time machine

  or a personal dinosaur farm

  I don't have my meals in a tablet

  or a bionic arm

  It's not that we need these things

  they are not necessary

  but we were promised them all

  by those people on the telly

  Still they have not materialised

  within the world at large

  but I suppose if we all had jetpacs

  there'd be an airborn congestion charge

  10 THINGS YOU WOULDN'T WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

  A dead robin in a sock, a relaxation CD

  that appears to be voiced by Ian Paisley

  A pair of trainers pickled in bree

  A vague sense of inadequacy

  A perambulating hamster nailed to the knee

  of a disgruntled member of a select committee

  A piano where every single key

  has been replaced by a rotting flea

  A rotating vicar nailed to a tree

  A swarm of traffic wardens exploding with glee

  The bill for Elton John's latest spending spree

  Some feces in a hammock I think you will agree

  You wouldn't want these presents and neither would me

  THE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO RELIGION

  Old and wrong ideas, superstitious fears

  killing in the name all gods are the same

  none of them exist just ghosts in the mist

  that fall across a mind and say that death is kind

  'they're in a better place'? Come say that to my face

  Empirically you're wrong, another empty song

  it's gone on for too long no faith can be that strong

  god's boot stamps on your face yet still there is no trace

  of doubt within your heart that you still stand apart

  from those who don't believe and those who don't receive

  god's guidance and love and all those myths from up above

  Just wake up and see, it's wrong logically

  you are just like me, a random entity

  the universe has no soul and neither do we

  we're just byproducts of chemistry

  Impersonal laws, no purpose here

  but this is not a cause for fear

  we're all free to decide

  our own will so choose with pride

  choosing gives you life you see

  don't abdicate responsibility

  there's no need to subjugate

  your freewill or live by fate

  wake up and define yourself

  seize your essence live your life

  it's not nihilism, it's just realism

  it's just real

  it's just truth

  it's just life

  WHY I DON'T WATCH TELEVISION

  Death and destruction, another new faction

  waring religions, old superstitions

  too much bad science and too much reliance

  on opinion polls by who alone knows

  I can't watch the news, the bigoted views

  the stupidity it terrifies me

  here's what to think and how much to drink

  then expect me to vote it's beyond a joke

  my intelligence insulted each day

  I cannot believe anything you say

  daily the lies burn into my eyes

  all of your fears burn into my ears

  opinion as fact tell me how to act

  tell me what to think push me to the brink

  That's why I don't watch television

  because I hold you in derision

  a media prompt for every decision

  politics and truth a mighty collision

  statistics are lies the government tries

  as they patronise with wool over eyes

  democracy fake they're all on the take

  for their own sake election mistake

  Entertainment stultifies, paint drying before your eyes

  watch the news absorb the lies as media opinion tries

  to make you scared of everyone feel the fear as you succumb

  to their desire for fear and hate divide and rule so they create

  an enemy for everyone to be against so we become

  a nation scared to move or breathe and government can rule with
ease

  cos frightened voters don't protest when they know government knows best

  so don't accept what you are told and don't believe the lies you're sold

  think for yourself be smart and proud don't just do what is allowed

  by men in suits who live for power stand firm and we will have our hour

  5 THINGS YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO READ IN A TEXT MESSAGE

  1

  Hope you're enjoying your evening out, I've just burgled your house,

  I've left the fridge and cooker and a squashed, dead mouse.

  Other than those three items, I've taken the bloody lot

  oh, and your tooth brush has been up my arse

  yours sincerely, John Prescott.

  2

  I saw you last week on the train, you noticed me I think

  I wore a loin cloth and trilby can I take you out for a drink?

  I followed you home that night so I already know your address

  I also went through your wardrobe can you please wear that bright red dress?

  3

  I've just been checking my list and it's time to come for you

  I'll call to collect you tomorrow at around half past two

  if you could please be ready to take your last breath

  I'll be wearing a cloak and scythe

  Yours sincerely, Death.

  4

  You don't know me but I'm your real father

  5

  Your phone isn't working, you must be imagining this sentence.

  CLONING AROUND

  I heard on the news today they've cloned a sniffer dog

  and now there's global panic that they'll go the whole hog

  and clone a human being for some nefarious reason

  which to the unscientific is tantamount to treason

  "They'll be cloning Hitler next, or Stalin or Hussain,"

  the ignorant will cry without trying to explain

  why anyone would want to clone a dead dictator

  or who they actually think would be the instigator

  of such a pointless act, who would even bother?

  One Hitler was bad enough we do not need another

  But that's okay because it's all impossible

  you'd have to copy everything, experience and all

  You can't copy someones life revive their history

  so even a genetic clone has a new personality

  so, you see, there'll be no